No, I really mean it;

Am I the only one who thinks Carl Williams looks remarkably like Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons?

Just try and deny it.

One down...

So, as most of us do, I have a list of things I absolutely should and need to do. They're those things that you're possibly not fond of, don't have time for, or just plain slip your mind.

On my list for some time has been a full skin check for melanoma/cancer. Wife of one, mother of two, casual working woman = not a lot of spare time; you know the drill... But... My beautiful friend Ellie recently had a bit of a run in with the scalpel and very kindly reminded me of just how important these things are.

Fast forward to today, Fathership and I are booked together because I have issues with being locked in a strange room, alone with a strange man. It's just one of my creep out triggers. I decide to go first because I am very brave and so skulk in wearing my little undies and a bra covered with a wraparound towel. Well, a fat lot of good the towel did me; it was ripped off almost immediately. And as if I didn't feel vulnerable enough, the bloke eyeballing me through a massive magnifying glass with fluorescent light attached didn't do much to lower my blood pressure either.

Oh, did I mention that he started with my head? I'm sitting on the edge of the bed while he stands before me, scratching and mussing my hair about like a fucking chimpanzee! The ol' latex gloves didn't feel too flash either with their rubberness catching all my strands. He was a really lovely doctor and chatted away to me nicely throughout, explaining that skin cancers don't necessarily need sun exposure to form and that (quote) they can pop up anywhere, even where the sun don't shine. What I didn't expect was for him to fucking check there!!! Wow, so right about then, I start praying, I want it over, I will be good forever, please please please. Fuck knows who I was praying to since none of them have ever listened before but I tells ye, I was willing to take a punt.

I was thinking positive, though (as they tell me to) and figured that that would be as bad as it could ever get. I was mostly right. He stumbled across something on my arse that needed attention and so got his special looking glass out and investigated even more closely! So I'm lying there, prone, while a perfect stranger puts his eye to a glass thing on my left cheek like it's a fucking diamond - but best of all (and this is me thinking positive again) was that by then, I didn't give a flying fig when he dug about in my boosies, crotch and armpits for lymph nodes - meh, big deal.

The good news is, nothing he saw concerned him enough to do anything besides send me a reminder letter for another shot next year. Hey, by that time we'll be old mates and maybe I'll feel less violated. The chances aren't great though.

The other good news is that if I can handle that sort of treatment and come out ok, the pap test I've been remiss about will seem like a walk in the park. Another check for another day.

Tagged...

Melissa has tagged me.
Prepare to be bamboozled with some very exciting facts!!! :P

1. Where is your cell phone? On the dining room table.
2. Where is your significant other? Reclining like a sloth chops on the other side of the room. :P
3. Your hair colour? Blonde
4. Your mother? Is a super dooper pessimist. I try not to be like that but alas, I fail often.
5. Your father? Cannot sit still and wigs out when the weather isn't sunny. Really. I also struggle with sitting still even though I'm lazy – go figure!
6. Your favorite thing? Those days that just feel perfect. Little faces I have helped to create, smiling up at me.
7. Your dream last night? A little too strange to go into, actually.
8. Your dream/goal? To live to see my children grow into happy and healthy adults. It's a shocking cliché, but nothing else comes close in importance.
9. The room you're in? Is strewn with toys.
10. Your hobby? Reading, writing and cooking. Oops, that's three. Mostly reading lately.
11. Your fear? Living with eternal heartache.
12. Where do you want to be in six years? I'd like to be focusing on career moves as well as parenthood.
13. Where were you last night? At home, eating Noodle Box noodles that weren't quite cooked properly. Those pricks.
14. What you’re not? Ambitious. Fathership HATES it.
15. One of your wish list items? A more child friendly backyard.
16. Where you grew up? Launceston, Tasmania until age 10 and then Gold Coast, Queensland. Still here.
17. The last thing you did? Ate way too many of those gingerbread flavoured cookies from Aldi – hey, I didn't have a container big enough for them all!
18. What are you wearing? Trackie dacks and a singlet.
19. Your TV? Has some sort of Pommy football (read soccer) stuff on it. Fathership's viewing.
20. Your pet? Two female cats; Spooky and Chops.
21. Your computer? Is my friend. My laptop blew up recently and I'm ashamed to say, it frightened me. I came close to getting a rash, I think.
22. Your mood? Is good. Some breakthroughs have been/are being made with H1 and I'm feeling quite a bit more positive about things.
23. Missing someone? Not really. Everyone I need is right here.
24. Your car? Is frighteningly messy. It also has a big bag for the Vinnie's bin in it that I've resorted to pillaging from these past few days due to unseasonal chilliness hitting us on our travels.
25. Something you’re not wearing? A bra. Thought I'd let the girls out for a while. ;)
26. Favorite store? Let me get back to you on that one.
27. Your summer? Will be spent whining. I prefer the cold.
28. Love someone? Love plenty. I went through some years not loving anyone and so I'm catching up.
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? This afternoon. H2 still snorts like a girl possessed and how anyone can pull that face and still reek of gorgeousness is beyond me... And yet, she pulls it off. :)
31. Last time you cried? January. Somebody I loved was finding life too hard and so put a stop to it. The finality of suicide just overwhelms me.

I tag Ellie, Jodie, Jodes, Superbonus and Shannon!

Headline of the Year...

Bet you didn't know I was famous...

Can hardly blame them for wanting to keep me for so long. :P

Oops, I did it again

I really did. I may have mentioned the foot in mouth thing before. It got me again today.

Wandering through the shoe section of Myer to check out this latest, kind of frightening fascination with "gladiator" sandals/shoes, I came to a particularly eye catching display. Now I've seen some nasty shoes in my day but these were almost difficult to touch; they made me visibly cringe.

Another browser (of similar age to me, I suppose) appeared at the other side of the table and tilted her head from side to side, taking in the different styles. I looked at her, with a smirk and said "Ugh, hideous, aren't they?" to which she replied with nothing. Instead, she just walked around the table to where I was standing... WEARING A FUCKING PAIR!!!

Oh yes indeed. Granted, she didn't yet own them but let's be honest, she was only minutes away. I didn't even attempt to save my arse. Sometimes the hole just gets deeper.

Ten points, Ma!

Thanks for the encouragement today Mum; I really needed it.

I know you'd be sitting back at home now, marvelling at your ability to really tell me what-for. You'd be beating your chest and very likely ranting to Dad about how I only got upset because "it was the truth".

Well, you can sound the loser buzzer, Ma. That is not why I walked out. Yes, it most definitely was the truth (but I know it all already). I was hurt because you are my mother and I believe your primary role in life is to support me and back me up when I struggle. At those things, I'm sorry to say, you just failed.