Things they DON'T tell you in the parenting books - Version 1

On occasion, it may be necessary for you to burp and belch for up to five minutes in order to maintain your 2 year old's happiness at bedtime. You may well border on hyperventilation but if it means the end of tears, you'll be happy to stagger out of there, light headed and shaky.

Goodnight sweetest boy. I love you.

Today has been one of those days...

where I could just hack out my ovaries with a tomahawk for fear of ever reproducing again. H2's capacity for screaming the house into a heap reached epic proportions today. My head's so sore I think my brain has actually shrunken and is rattling about within the confines of my skull.

What happened to Sunday being a day of rest? Is God punishing me for my atheism? Does that question even make sense?! I'll think that one through another day.

Oh and while I'm being angry; why the fuck do we sweat blood with these kids as they push through a mouthful of teeth only to have the fuckers fall out again within five odd years?!?! Seriously, who thought that shit up?

Now would not be a good time for (((hugs))). I am feeling mighty prickly.

What I learnt today

If a toddler asks you for a biscuit and it breaks coming out of the packet, he will think he has two biscuits. Woo hoo, watch me save an absolute fortune on groceries next week!

With a chop chop here and a break break there...

Wanky Number Plates (Version 1)

On the twelve minute journey from work to home...

MI MERC
No shit, Sherlock. It's a Mercedes and you're driving it. I didn't really need your help but thanks for forking out the dough.

SIKM8
Just the ticket to be pickin' up the ladeez. Hot diggidy dawg, if only I were a single gal!

GORJES
Well you'd wanna hope and pray that you are 'cause everyone's gonna be checking now.


(Version 1 because I just know you want more. I aim to please.)

I'm really hoping that elephants aren't terribly important in Thailand

Mainly because leaving our local Thai restaurant this evening, I tripped on a little timber one at the entrance and watched, mortified, as he somersaulted out the door and into the gutter.

Tell me I'm not eternally damned or bad feng shui'd forevermore... Please?

Some people really enjoy my clumsiness but I have to say, it's getting old.

Come on, nimrod!!!

H1's latest phrase. Just another example of why one should not swear when around impressionable children. Over the past two point five years I have tried to reduce my use of various forms of profanity and substituted with words such as idiot, numbskull and nimrod.

It's paid off. Yesterday while waiting behind a rather irksome driver at a roundabout, H1 pipes up (completely unprompted) from his car seat "COME ON NIMROD!"

I'm just proud as punch.